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My Brain Is An Asshole

October 10, 2015

I’m standing outside waiting for my dad so that we can go for a walk aaaand gamma ray burst enters my thoughts. Why? Because it’s too sunny out. Why’d that happen? Who the fuck knows, let’s just put it this way: it was enough to make me a little anxious. It’s most likely because I’ve been feeling dizzy and out of sorts recently which I attribute to looking at too many screens too often. Like this one! See? It’s an asshole. I hate how I can feel like I’ve got a good handle on the irrational side and bam! Out comes something stupid and crazy.

It doesn’t even need to be realistic. I can just think of something that makes me anxious and the train has left the station. Aaaaaaooooooogaaaaaah! I suppose it’s not the stupidest thought to ever be thought, I mean, they do happen. They are pretty goddamn scary to think about. This dovetails nicely into why I don’t watch horror movies to often anymore: my mind is horrifying enough. Eventually the train will come back, but until then there’s always that little sliver of doubt in my head and with that doubt comes physical sensations. The best way to describe these sensations is the feeling you get in a tall building when you’re afraid of heights and you look down out the window. It’s almost like vertigo but not quite.

Thanks body for being so retarded. Can I get my consciousness uploaded to a machine yet or at least a way to shut down the flight or fight response? I appreciate that it was necessary when we had natural predators, however, since we’ve become the apex predator…I think we’re good. I think we can lay down that tool for another day. Just mentally go, “Ah! That’s not needed, let’s proceed onto something worthwhile like fucking.” Because I’d be down for that if we could do that.

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