Skip to content

Irrational Thoughts

October 12, 2015

I’m going to write about some stupid shit. In fact, I’ve written about this stupid shit a couple of days ago, but I think I need to channel them somewhere. See, I was getting ready for a walk with my dad and I was waiting outside for him to get ready and I looked up and saw that the sun was really bright. That sprung one big assed metal ball to shoot into some flappers and I eventually wound up with, “What if a gamma ray burst were to happen?” Knowing this is entirely stupid and in no way rational I tried to command it to leave. It did not.And that whole walk I was nervous and really kind of rushing through it so I could get back inside. Along with the looking up into the sky issue, I also have an extremely vivid imagination. The last few days I’ve tried to overcome this thought, but the vividness keeps coming unabated.

Now I’m really starting to worry because the last time I had these sort of thoughts, I ended up depressed. I don’t know the connection between the two and if anyone reading this has a degree in psychology, maybe you could tell me. But it keeps popping up in my head and at times when I don’t want it. I was trying to write an entry earlier and it just kept smacking into me. Part of this I also attribute to my fear of flying as I’m seeing all of this from space in my head. Which is weird in itself. Then I think about what I’d do in that event…probably cry. I dunno. I’m hoping that with therapy tomorrow that this thought dies the death it deserves.

I’m also wondering if the current dizziness I’ve been experiencing it is…inducing it. See, I look at computer screens, phone screens, tv screens, etc. a lot every single day. And the dizziness I’ve been feeling is the sort that I have when I get vertigo from being too high up. Like right now just thinking about it I’m remembering the times I drove over the Key Bridge and had these very same feelings: the nervousness, the fear of looking up, the butterflies in my stomach, etc. I’m going over probable causes because i do think they’re all feeding into this thought. Some people picture themselves driving off of bridges, me, I go for dying a painful painful death from radiation. I’m obviously from the ‘go big or go home’ camp.  Could also be allergies…

But honestly, I hate these thoughts. They’re fucking stupid even typing them out. In fact, when I’m going through them I know they’re stupid but I really can’t help myself. It’s like they have minds of their own. I also have no one that can relate to this so the best I can come up with are these half-assed explanations that sound like rationalizations. I hate this. I hate fucking anxiety, I hate depression. I hate that I have to go through this every goddamn day.

I don’t like how this stuff keeps me from living a normal life. Actually, I don’t even want normal. I can accept a fucked up existence if I didn’t have to deal with anxiety ever again. Bring on the inevitable heartache and rejection that was my norm up until 7 years ago. Feels like this all started when I began watching House, again. I know it’s odd to blame a show but that brought out the worst of my hypochondriac episodes. I know, I know, “It’s only tv,” but then I’d look up the medical stuff on the show and go nuts. A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing for me.

See, the genesis of the GRB thoughts was one night in 2007 when I watched, “7 Ways The World Could End,” and then the shit kept raining down: some family members died, I moved to a townhouse, my car broke down, etc. etc. And those thoughts just came to me: what would I do in a situation like that? Well…kiss my ass goodbye and tell everyone I could that I loved them. It’s so fucking grim. I don’t even know why it affects me to this day. I was feeling great. I was doing well. I was driving again. Now it feels like all of that rests on the tip of a knife and I’m concerned that it’s going to fall off completely.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. October 12, 2015 9:09 pm

    Thank you—you inspired me to publish an entry that I hope helps you, too. The entry is titled OCD, Anxiety, and Intrusive Thoughts – A Brief Overview. I was typing a far smaller version here, but realised it would perhaps be ideal for some of my readers.

    What isn’t included in the entry, is that I can relate to your entry from the perspective of my OCD, and that I think it might be worth talking to your therapist about OCD. Your therapist might not be able to give you any diagnostic information as to whether you have OCD or not, so, speaking to a psychiatrist in order to get a diagnosis might be the only way to find out. Of course, you don’t have to just take these words for it, or even mine at all, but I was hoping to give you something to mull over and perhaps seek out.

    • October 12, 2015 9:12 pm

      I’ll ask about it. I think it’s a very fucked up form of OCD, though. But does the anxiety cause the OCD-ish type behavior or does the OCD-ish behavior cause the anxiety? It’s really stupid. I have a really vivid imagination, too. When someone says something to me, I can usually picture it in a lot of detail. These thoughts also only happen to me when I’m idle, it seems. If I’m busy I can usually overcome it. This weekend has been pure laziness, though.

      • October 12, 2015 9:28 pm

        I feel like you just asked me the mental health equivalent of which comes first, the chicken or the egg. Haha. Fantastic. I don’t think you can have OCD without anxiety, at least, in most cases. I would say there has to be an obsession first which triggers the anxiety and in turn triggers the compulsion.

        Apparently people with OCD typically have good imaginations and are quite creative, and I think, if I remember correctly, it’s because their brains often create all sorts of crap to try and deal with these thoughts and feelings.

        I usually recommend people use distraction and relaxation techniques for avoiding anxiety and obsessive thoughts, so it’s no wonder that you staying busy usually keeps the peace.

      • October 12, 2015 9:35 pm

        Good point. I do have that. I was writing a story one time about a murderer and it gave me nightmares to the point I stopped writing it. I never used to be like this, though. I used to just have the imagination without the worry. Then I had a panic attack one day in August of 07 and then my world came crashing down bit by bit. I could definitely use relaxation techniques, though. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD with my psychiatrist. I also didn’t have this stupid thought before, either.

      • October 12, 2015 9:42 pm

        The example you gave of the story is classic OCD. Of course you’d get nightmares. You had one dream that freaked you out. Why did you have that dream? Because you were being so creative, thinking all these things for the story. I expect you spent rather a long time on the story, too. So what happens? Your brain farts them all out in your sleep, leaving you very confused and worried the next morning. I imagine you then gave that dream so much meaning that it came back, stronger than ever. When you removed the source of the fear, you stopped thinking about it as much, thus the dreams went.

        I’m guessing something happened around August 07 that set all this in motion, or perhaps you were reminded of something bad that once happened. It could be anything. I don’t know you nearly well enough to hazard a guess. Have a think about it, though. If you can link up what started it, you might then figure out what your triggers are (at the core, rather than just, for example, the sky) and be able to find ways to deal with them. I suppose it’s possible that stress could’ve brought this on to begin with. Stress could have led to the panic attack that you had which set up some unpleasant thoughts, which then became the start of an obsession which lead to yet more anxiety, and therefore yet more thoughts, and so on.

        It’s really a snowball effect sometimes. 😦

      • October 12, 2015 9:50 pm

        Agreed. It does tend to snowball. Up until very recently I was fine. I swam all summer, I was starting to drive a lot more, I was feeling great and kicking ass. I do think this class is starting to stress me out. The nightmares weren’t too bad, they were very messed up, though. I just lost my drive for that particular story after that. It wasn’t even like a, ‘I worry I’m the killer,’ kind of thing. Just, ‘This is disturbing and I don’t enjoy it.’ Last week was pretty stressful, too. Not…in a bad way, just more anxiety-inducing than the others. And I skipped a therapy appointment so I haven’t had therapy in a week. And I’ve been doing virtually nothing. I was told my anxiety causes ocd-like behavior. The pulse checking is a big one I haven’t been able to let go of. But stress seems to be the common factor here because I wasn’t like this 6 months ago. I was getting a lot better. No intrusive thoughts or anything. So I dunno. I’m willing to get it checked out, though, because something changed.

  2. October 12, 2015 9:11 pm

    Oh, and I also wanted to say that I also occasionally have those very doom and gloom fears; I would give you an example, but I don’t know if it’ll trigger you.

    • October 12, 2015 9:12 pm

      Haha…that’s fine. I think we all sort of have them, just some seem more real than others.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: