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The Lonely

October 20, 2015

I spend my days sitting on my bed looking at my tv and either watching a television show or playing a game. Most of the time I enjoy these activities a lot. Most of the time. But then there’s times where I feel lonely and I feel like I need to do more with my life, but I don’t. I wish I had a better excuse than the anxiety, but it’s the anxiety. The thing is I know why I feel lonely and yet I don’t do anything to solve it. I go to a class that stresses me out more than it should and I wonder why. The class is actually kind of pleasant and the people that I’ve spoken to are as well. My professor’s quite happy–a little too happy–to be doing math. I sit at the back of the class with no one around.

I tell myself I prefer it this way and I do…to an extent. The real horror comes about 30 minutes in when my mind starts wandering and starts going to far away places, to lands that will never exist, and people that won’t either. I’ve created worlds in my imagination and plots to fill the time. On and on my professor drones and the class looks bored. Or rather, they look like they’d rather get a root canal. Again: the professor is pleasant enough, but way too chipper. I don’t mind. I’d rather someone teaching me with passion to someone that’s teaching me from rote memory .

Two hours have passed and I feel again, the anxiety welling up inside me; it’s telling me to flee to break free. And I just go home to my prison usually. Again to the loneliness where my friends stay far away and I’m alone in my thoughts. I begin to create horrors there that would scare everyone away. Worlds turning to dust, people being vaporized by gamma ray bursts or–like today–an asteroid. I fear for the future, I look at it with dread. I worry what’s happening to me and all that is said. Not to me, but from me. That germ of fear that poisons my day, sucks all happiness, and buries it away.

I hate that my mind does this almost as if it’s separate from me, but it’s not. The only one torturing me is…me. I’ve conquered my health anxiety and became mostly normal, now my mind fights back and in the strangest of ways. Sometimes I think there’s something fundamentally broken in me, but there’s not. Just an active imagination and a lot of time and no one to ever challenge me. I had someone like that once, as you all well know, but they’re gone now and I only have myself. And my friends that never have time.

True, I really have no problem with being alone or doing things alone–in fact, I used to prefer it. But sometimes–like today–I just wish it were different. I wish I could be me and not afraid all of the time and afraid of stupid shit. I used to worry about heart attacks and strokes all of the time and I do from time to time. This anxiety is different and probably stress induced and loneliness induced.

The thing is I know the mechanism for loneliness: it’s remembering the past. That I remember with perfect clarity most of the time and it makes me so sad to think, it even makes me sometimes speak in rhyme. I like the solitude, most of the time. And I’d hide away if I thought I’d get better in time, but solitude’s a trap. It just makes you crazier. It makes every thought seem important–even the bullshit. So I don’t crave the alone time much anymore. I dread it. I hate it. I wish I could change it. But my anxiety tells me, “No,” and I fight back against it. I pull with my strength like dog with a leash. I try to lead it where I want now, even if it leads to a…beach.

But my strength fails in these colder months, there’s not much to do. I can’t swim and I have a reliability problem. So fighting back against the anxiety is what I shall do. I’ll fight all I can until next spring. Hopefully in the meantime I’ll regain my strength. I’ve endured worse–I’ve gotten past death. I can survive this. It seems like only a test.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Farewell Bo permalink
    October 21, 2015 8:57 am

    Sounds like a tough fight. I hope you make it.

    • October 21, 2015 8:58 am

      Oh, I will. I tend to bounce back once the shit times have passed. But yeah, this class is dreadful.

      • Farewell Bo permalink
        October 21, 2015 9:01 am

        That’s the spirit! šŸ™‚ These fights with ourselves – they are somehow the toughest and at the same time the easiest ones.

      • October 21, 2015 9:05 am

        True that, but they make us tougher in the end. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. I also have a plan of action. I like having plans even if they rarely ever survive contact with reality.

      • Farewell Bo permalink
        October 21, 2015 9:13 am

        Well, having a plan is always better than having a dream, that’s for sure. Making us tougher… I guess you’re right. In my case they seem to be making me a bit more cynical as well. And a bit more desperate. Or maybe that’s the meaning of “tougher”.

      • October 21, 2015 9:23 am

        Not exactly. I would suggest trying to fight the urge to be cynical. Yeah, you don’t want to be stupidly optimistic, but being optimistic enough so that you don’t turn away help or give up on yourself or anyone else. I don’t know your story, though, so I can’t give any specifics. And dreaming is never a bad thing. Following them can make your life a bit better to deal with or unpredictable, depending on the dream. If your dream is to kill as many people as possible, then that’s definitely a bad dream. But if you’ve always wanted to try…art. Or maybe woodworking, then go for it.

        Where was I? Oh yes, don’t let your experiences drive you into cynicism too much. I went there in my 20’s and this is where I ended up and I’m trying to change it. Just realize that there are millions and millions of experiences you’ll have in your life, but you can’t go into them thinking people are just waiting to dick you over or that they’re artificial.

        Despite my depressive and anxious tendencies, I’ve never given up hope entirely.

      • Farewell Bo permalink
        October 21, 2015 9:32 am

        What I meant was that dreaming often doesn’t lead to action. Whereas having an actual plan how to start with art – where to study, what to study, how to practice, etc. – has a lot more potential to “come true”.
        Anyways, that’s not really a conversation for internet.
        It’s been really nice talking to you!
        Good luck!

      • October 21, 2015 9:56 am

        It’s good talking to you too. As for dreaming, I think it can inspire people to action and then come up with a plan for action. You just need both to feed into the other.

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