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Your Blog Sucks

October 20, 2015

This is a common statement I see online when someone posts a really shitty thing and they disagree with it. Regardless of the truth of it, I began to wonder what the basis of the phrase was and I never did get a definition of it, but I got something better! A list of 20 reasons why my content sucks! S=s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sucks! Yeah! Okay. Sorry for the multi-exclamation points, but I just wanted to emphasize why it sucks! Sorry. Sorry. Won’t happen again. If it does just call me Brian Blessid.

So let’s go over why it…well…you know….

Number 1 is, “You think your content is good enough.” Yeah, that’s right. How dare you find pleasure it mediocrity. This is blogging and blogging is srss bsnss. I’m not saying that you should find your content merely good enough. Sometimes you want to write and have no idea what to write so you jot down some blurb like, “Monkeys have penises in their anus,” and go from there. Sure, Monkeys having penises in their anus may be a great conversation starter at bars of ill-repute, but it won’t win you a Pulitzer either, which, I think, is what we should all shoot for when blogging. Truthfully content that’s just ‘good enough’ is fine enough depending on the stated goal of your web log.

It’s not exactly like you’re out to change the world. Maybe you just want a web log to write about your day or some strange occurrence. That’s fine. And no one should make you feel lesser for it. At the end of the day, this should be something you enjoy. Not a competition for clicks.

Number 2 is: Your posts read like journal entries. Yeah! How dare you write on a…web…log…about your life. You know what? This is fucking stupid. Your web log is a web log. Doesn’t matter if you write your entries like journal entries. Jesus Christ, we’re not reporting on the news here. Okay, some of us aren’t reporting on the news here. I treat my web log like a confessional booth. Fuck you, pal. And your srss blggng. Far be it from me to decide the content of the things I’m writing.

“But blogs have evolved beyond that. Now they’re more like online magazines, with highly polished content.” I haven’t seen this web log. Where do I find it? Is it free of typos? Does the content make me jizz myself every time I read it? Honestly, I could give two shits about whether my ‘blooog’ sounds too much like a journal. It’s my web log, fuck you and your advice. You know…it occurred to me just now that this entry is just going to be the long form of, “Your blog sucks,” which just hits me in the funny spot.

Number 3 is: You’re not getting any comments….and? What if you don’t really mind not getting comments? Hear me out, comments are great, but what if the commenter says something stupid? Or something you don’t like? What if it’s a white supremacist who thinks your whole diatribe about liking cream in your coffee is a metaphor for the re-ascension of the white race? Do you want a comment like that? I sure wouldn’t. And again: this all depends on the mission of your web log. Your web log content is your own and if the scope of it is to vent without really having to tell anyone in particular…then maybe comments aren’t the be all end all of your web log.

I’m gonna go over the rest of this list in its entirety some time later., but for now I’ll just state plainly that it’s all bullshit. No one knows how the internet works the way it does and why the next person that becomes a celebrity from it became a celebrity from it. So guides like these are essentially meaningless to someone like me because I never have and never will fall into that trap of creating content just to get views. To be honest, that’s never really been my thing. I appreciate the small views and small audience that I do have, but it was never my goal from day 1.

I don’t aspire to greatness or fame and riches, I just aspire to be me and that’s all I can offer anyone with this web log. So, if you like my content then great. If not, that’s also great–I promise I won’t hold it against you if you don’t like my content and I would hope you’d likewise do the same if I don’t like your content. I just find the absurdity of a ‘do’s and don’ts’ list amusing. Their advice always comes from the XXXXXXTREEEEEME! school of thought that every thought needs to razzle and sometimes dazzle a reader. You must grip them by the junk and never let go! titillation will be mandatory. If you do not leave here at least a little titillated then you have failed!

So here’s my little titillation, I once was innocent and now I’m not. I wish I were different but I cannot. I try to wash myself clean, yet I always stay dirty. Oh adulthood is a terrible thing.

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