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Your Blog Sucks Pt. 2

October 25, 2015

When we last left our hero: He was fighting the mucky muck of quasi-depression and loneliness and thought, “I’ll make an entry on blog sucking and what makes web logs suck.” Not satisfied to just write about it–he decided to tear down this web log sucking. Now baaaack to the program!

I wanted to go over this some more because, while I have no clue if my web log sucks, I don’t think these standards should be The standard for everyone’s web log. Mainly because content is content and not everyone is going to read every single thing you write and not everyone is looking to be dazzled. Sometimes we just want random stupidity or to read about someone’s life that we’ll never meet. Maybe they have something in common with you–great! But by no means does anyone’s content ‘suck’. Okay. In some cases they do. Mainly when they try to slant an obvious news story in a direction that they’ll agree with. Take Hillary Clinton, while I absolutely despise that woman’s fakery, accusing her of getting multiple people killed while she yucks it up is trying to slant a story. Especially when you consider that House Republicans cut funding for embassy security and did it shamelessly. So whose fault is it?

The woman that supposedly got them killed just by being a Clinton or the people that proudly cut security? I’m going with the latter. And while it seems cliche to assign blame to them, it’s not. Funding is everything everywhere in the US and that includes our embassies. If you’re not going to give jackshit about security in known hostile areas, I’d say it’s the fault of the people carrying the money. That more didn’t get killed is a testament to the security we did have available. Political rants aside, that’s when a web log sucks. When they try to put their agenda above their writing.

I used to be one of the people that slammed web logs for not being good enough. During my Livejournal era, I was a part of a group with my friend called ‘Mine_Bitch’ where we basically ‘claimed’ people that we despised and made them our bitch. Naturally this group didn’t last long, but I do remember the first ‘bitch’ was a user that made awful poetry about her cats. And yeah, it’s not going to cause the apocalypse or even change the world, but for whatever reason that shit seemed so much more important then.

It was an affront to us…for…whatever reason. Yeah, remember how I said I hate joining groups? That’s why. They become so cagey and mean-spirited and even if you join with the best of intentions, you’re still going to turn into them. There was no reason to be mean to this girl, but we wanted her to know her poetry sucked! It was awful! And it’s about cats! Oh, early 20’s FIDo…you were so stupid. So I don’t like haters, some things are fun to hate on with friends, but actively trying to hurt someone is not really my thing and it always goes like this: join group > gain acceptance > pick on other people > say something the group doesn’t like > group starts talking about you behind your back >become pariah.

Anyway, sorry for the diversion…back to slammity slam.

Number 4 is: Your visitors stay less than two minutes, on average. I find this idea that visitors should stay longer kind of annoying. Especially if the only new post is what they read. Maybe your content and varied. Maybe your audience knows what to expect and only comes for the new content. Maybe they’re busy or in a hurry or just don’t want to invest longer times anywhere. I never stay at a site for more than a few minutes at a time. But somehow visitors are expected to keep their browser open and at your page forever. And ever. And ever. Foooooooooreeeeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeeeerrrrr…hey, I’m genuinely flattered I get the smattering of views that I get. I don’t plan on making this into a business…I don’t think. But if you want to read every sordid thing I write then great! Stay awhile. I’ll even put on some smooth jazz so you stay longer. Or at least put you to sleep with it so you’ll stay longer.

Number 5 is: You spent less than an hour on each post. Ugh. Do I need to say anything about this one? I think the longest I’ve spent on a post has been about 45 minutes and that’s with the super, really, really long posts. Most I can type out in about 30 minutes or less. Not because I’m lazy or I have nothing to say; it’s just that I don’t diagram each post making sure it hits various beats. I can envision someone who diagrams each post going, “Oh…gotta include content for epileptic hookers with fetishes for apes and hot dogs. And can’t forget the kids with downs syndrome who also like easy listening and masturbating to woodchucks.” Really, if you’re spending a lot of time on a post, go for it. But I don’t think it’s necessary.

In fact, I often worry about these long posts that I enter ‘tl;dr’ territory. I’d think that’s the worst thing you could say about anyone’s work and that’s a realistic worry, which also dovetails into the bullshit about point 4. Yeah, they’re not spending much time at your web log, but people will read it and the shorter the better. I just don’t think people want to read long and droning posts. 🙂 Yes, I’m being entirely self-aware here.

Number 6 is: You’ve never received fan mail. I’m really wondering what kind of metric is this?  Specifically,

“We’re not just talking about nice little tweets; we’re talking about five page e-mails where they tell you their life story and thank God for your existence.”

Really?! Do people write these emails? I get that sometimes you might really hit a chord with some people and they’ll feel compelled to write you and say you’ve made a great post. But honestly, if I got a five page email from someone thanking god for my existence I’d be a little worried about that person’s priorities in life. I’d find it flattering too. But mostly worrisome. Again: if you like my posts–great, but I don’t expect anything I write to be life-affirming or transformative to anyone. Flattering if it is, but that’s not my goal. My goal is to be honest and to share various bits of my life and…basically treat this like my very own confessional booth, sans penance for anything bad I’ve done.

I’ll go over the rest during the next month. I think the insanity of these ‘signs your content sucks’ is worth examining as I think they’re impossibly high standards for you to hold yourself to as an author and content creator. Yes, you should want to do your best on your web log. But you shouldn’t hold yourself to a standard that very few are ever likely to reach, least of all change the way you write to meet these standards. If you want your web log to be a personal memoir about your life, then you should be able to do that without catching shit for it. Or if you want smaller content…or…whatever. It’s your page and no one has it all figured out to the point that this insane list should be seen as universal.

As always: am I wrong and full of shit? Or do you agree? Either way, let me know with a like or a comment.

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