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December 27, 2015

Shocker: I hate facebook. Well, hate’s a pretty strong term for a website. I loathe it. And I probably loathe it for a superficial reason: it reminds me of how far I’ve fallen and how far I’ve yet to go. Oh, and it’s creepy. So creepy, but more on that later. For now, I just don’t like it. I see my friends getting married, having relationship stuff, kids, successful careers, etc. It just makes me realize that my fall from grace was as painful as it’s seeming permanent. I don’t have any of those things and probably won’t for the foreseeable future and it hurts like hell. It sucks that I love driving, but I can barely do it. And that everyone I think I make a connection with either wants someone else or doesn’t want anything to do with me. And that my career has flamed out so bad.

So, last night I had a bit of a meltdown. I vowed to myself that I was going to ditch the app and leave the messenger…aaand I have yet to successfully do that. It’s pretty entrenched into my day to day routine and I really hate that. However, if I had a better way to keep up with friends I know I’d be totally up for that. But seeing where I am right now and knowing that that needle ain’t fucking moving any time soon, I’m stuck being a lurker. Or a shadow of someone I used to be.

Also: don’t mistake my dour tone for discounting this year entirely and the successes I’ve made. I mean, I have lost over 30lbs, I’m learning to cook now, I made it through that math class, and I’ve just generally been a happier, more caring person. But I do have these moments where I feel like those successes are periphery or that they don’t matter that much compared to the other stuff. Because I am so tired of being unlucky in love and not having a social life. I’m home every night and I honestly get sick of it.

So, I feel like that despite my successes, I haven’t really gotten past a few high hurdles and I worry that I never will. And no: all of the sympathetic, “It will happen”s in the world will get me to change how I feel. Which leads me back to facebook: seeing my friends grow their lives and expand while I feel like I’m sitting still and in a prison mostly of my own making. It gets to be unbearable sometimes and last night was really the tipping point, for me.

I know everyone says not to compare yourself to other people, but I think that’s a little bit of terrible advice. Now, if I compared my life to some celebrity’s…that’s stupid. But I’m comparing it to people I know and I’m not even comparing it in a huge way. I’m just tired of feeling alone and forgotten about. I feel like I’m standing still most days, even if I’m not, and I’m not sure what the proper momentum should be to get things going again.

I wish I had that answer and that it was easy, but I know it’s going to be long, drawn out, and difficult. I hope I can handle that while keeping my sanity intact. As for the ‘right’ reasons to hate on facebook: it’s fucking creepy. I have several friends I’ve entered into my phone number and they always pop up in the ‘people you may know’ section. And…gah…why do you have to be so fucking creepy? I don’t even want to add them to facebook yet. That’s just wrong and an abomination and should never, ever exist.

And this has been another: FIDo, The Failed Human Project.

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