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2015: The Year of Progress

December 31, 2015

January: This year started out gloomy as I was still broken up over H-bomb’s decision to cut me out of her life so thoroughly that I was honestly worried I would never see her again. Coupled with the fact that my anxiety was pretty awful at this point but I pressed on and managed to go walking with my dad and honestly, the seeds were planted here for what would later.

February: I held strong in the face of a looming depression and anxiety meltdown and having to depend on myself for once when things got rough instead of H-bomb who I’d call when I was melting down. Also went to Red Robin the week before Valentine’s day and sent her a card and the Elder Scrolls: Skyrim soundtrack that I had promised her way back in 2012.

March: By March I was mostly past things with her and managed to get on with my life and started having a libido again. I honestly don’t remember much about this month. I went to therapy and I started feeling better once the cold weather began to abate. But other than that…total mystery.

April: This is the month where things started to change for me. Around April 23rd I looked at the scale and saw that I weighed 358 again. I had steadily gained the weight back that I’d lost before and…I snapped. I vowed to myself that I wasn’t going to get to 360+lbs again and started using MyFitnessPal and began tracking my food. At first it was a shaky endeavor due to the fact that I was hungry pretty much around the clock. I started looking at food at night as if it were porn. No jerking off mind you, but just…ugh…needed to look at something yummy. Never. Again.

May: By mid-May I think I’d lost around 8lbs and was feeling great. My clothes were fitting better, I didn’t feel as sluggish, I wasn’t as anxious. I started talking to someone who seemed to believe in me. And it just got better from there. A light had been re-lit in myself that I didn’t think was possible. I was still pretty lonely, but on my way.

June: I ordered Freaked for H-bomb. It’s not the most expensive birthday gift I’ve ever given, but I hoped she enjoyed it and I didn’t get around to mailing anything to her until July. But around late June I was down almost 20lbs. I was feeling great still. Feeling positive. And I decided to go back and finish that math class that had haunted me for 7 years.

July: For me July was a bit of a bust but also a good bit of progress was made here. It was a bust in the sense that my birthday plans went to shit on account of my mother going on vacation the day after my birthday on the 8th. I’m still a bit bitter over that because it sucked. I…did not have a birthday celebration of any sort and it was held off until after she got back aaaaaand…it’s New Year’s Eve and it still hasn’t materialized. Yeah, I celebrate my birthday with my family or some close friends. So sucked. On the other hand, I made some progress with my anxiety here in that I managed to stay alone in my apartment for around 4 or 5 hours and ever since then I’ve just been pushing that time even further since then.

Bad thing was this was the month we found out that my father has the BK virus and he’s been fighting it ever since and has been making a lot of progress.

August: I’ve been swimming a lot by this point and getting pretty tanned and lost around 30lbs by that point. I felt great and the best I’ve ever felt. But the dark times were coming: class was starting. It punctuated this point very well when the last day of swimming it suddenly got really cold toward the end. By then we were walking and doing well.

September: This was a fairly good month, the class seemed okay and I managed to not totally freakout while in class and managed to control my anxiety better. I also went to my brother’s fiance’s birthday party and had a great time and also managed not to freakout there either. All in all a great month.

October: I felt the wheels kind of starting to wobble, but not break off. I wasn’t losing weight as fast anymore because the pool’s closed. I was also feeling slightly more on edge, but still in good spirits. I had the biggest moment of self-doubt about my ability with women here when one told me she wasn’t sexually attracted to me and…that was it. Needless to say I was crushed and I hated myself a little. I also went to my friend’s Halloween party with the mildest of hiccups and decided I’m a Hufflepuff.

November: This month was a holding pattern fo the weight loss. Mainly I decided I needed to at least maintain my weight until class was over as well as the holidays. My highest weight was 328.6 here. It’s since went down but damn…it’s been a struggle. Thanksgiving was great and my class wasn’t going too well as I found I had a failing grade which steadily picked up toward the end.

December: My class was over! And by all accounts, I think I passed. I hope I passed. I also began feeling sick with a cold during that week as well which caused me to miss my friend’s birthday party, but I did go to see The Force Awakens with only the briefest of a hiccup that I attribute to me feeling sick more than anything. Also: talking to H-bomb regularly again. Not sure why. Not sure I care why. In fact I don’t. My only hope the entire time was hearing from her again and repairing my relationship with her, because at the end of the day she is very important to me. I feel whole with her and I know that sounds silly, sappy, too overly…whatever. But it’s true. For all of our faults, I do think we complement each other really well.

Now for the new year…I don’t know what to expect, but I’m going to try to make it a good one. I need 5 more classes for my degree, I need to get to driving alone regularly again, I need to start focusing on my weight again, aaaand…just try to enjoy myself as much as I can, because I vowed that my 33rd year is going to be a good one. And for those who made it this far and continue to read my stuff despite my unpopular opinions and those that follow my page…you’re awesome. Thank you.

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