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Can’t Stop Tha’ Funk

February 10, 2016

Now is the winter of my discontent.

This week has just felt like utter shit piled on top of more shit that already created a geologic record of shit from years ago that has been petrified. Really, it’s been that bad. Not so much with inter-personal stuff but the job rejection, the fact that I can’t go to classes until the fall thanks to the bullshit school, and on top of that I’m constantly lonely to the point that some days I just ponder putting my head in a wood chipper.

Not actual suicide, mind you, just pondering if said wood chipper might improve things for me. It’d certainly give a story to tell. I think that job thing bothers me the most, because I know I could’ve handled it on day one. I’ll cop to my portfolio being pretty lopsided design wise because I haven’t created anything in years on my own. That bugs me too.

And I want to be creative, but my current environment really isn’t making me feel any better or even wanting to create anything. Feels like I’m in the swamp of sadness and I just keep going lower and lower into the muck. Plus, the one person I actually talk to every day doesn’t want to see me just yet…soo….fucked. I’m just sick of this feeling and it certainly isn’t making me want to push myself forward even though I know I have to.

I don’t know if I mentioned it in a previous entry but I realized what my role is: I’m the unstoppable force, but I’d like to amend that, I am the unstoppable force whose only immovable object is myself. This is my quandary and if I had enough money for booze right now I’d probably drink myself to sleep because I sure as shit have nothing else going for me at the moment.

I just know I really want to fix my life that was shattered thanks to my depression and anxiety and I have no clue how to do it. I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually, but right now I’m fucking hating life right now. I do know one thing, though, I do feel like this time getting back up and brushing myself off isn’t going to be as easy as it was in the past.

 

 

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