Skip to content

Untitled Spooge

April 12, 2016

Long time readers know I draw inspiration to write from inter-personal relationships going south. Not necessarily to shame those I have issues with, but just to sort of get some sort of catharsis from things going to pot. So! Who could it be this time? Oh, it’s H-bomb. Okay. Not really any conflict there since we didn’t fight, but I did decide to stop talking to her full-stop. Why, you may ask? “FIDo, you spent a year hoping and trying for her to message you, why would you give that up?!” Short answer: I got a girlfriend.

Long answer: I got a girlfriend who has shown me my self-worth. It also helps that because of that year long hiatus obliterated the razzle dazzle I saw in her. Instead of seeing this woman that I was totally enamored with, I saw a broken woman and someone that I really wasn’t very fond of when you got down to the nitty gritty of it all.

All of the complaints and the egotistical stuff just got old. She never asked how I was doing, never cared to listen to really anything I said to her, and again: tried to use contact with her as a weapon if I said anything that bothered her. You would think that would be the final straw, but no, it wasn’t. Last night I tried talking to her and she just gave me smart-ass answers and when I finally decided to give up and told her I think I’ll probably be going to bed, she just said good night.

Now, that’s pretty trivial, but if someone is obviously trying to hold a conversation and you keep being a smart-ass to them…’ehh…you’d think they would wonder why you wanted to leave or ask if things were okay, which they weren’t. To me, it was just more of the same: not really treating me as a friend, but an after-thought. I know this seems egotistical as hell, but she never asked me how I was doing. She asked maaaaybe three times since we made contact again, the rest of the time was reserved for her favorite topic: herself and her misfortunes.

I’ll be the last person to give anyone shit for thinking of themselves a lot since you’re always going to be stuck with yourself, so it’s only natural to gravitate toward things that involve you. However, as a person who’s trying to be your friend…’ehh..I dunno…you’d probably take more interest in their life than, “So enough about me. What’s up?” And then when I do speak about myself…it shifts right back to talking about herself.

I also didn’t like who I was when I spoke to her. Not that she brought me down or anything, but speaking to her exhausted my patience and even when we were pretty serious about trying to be in a relationship in the past it always frustrated me. I could always feel the anger bubbling to the surface, which given enough time, probably would. I mean, it was already starting to leak out in little bits with her.

Plus the FIDo that I am now can stand on his own two feet. He accomplished so much without her; I defeated most of my anxiety, I lost over 30lbs, and I took a chance and have a very successful relationship as a result of the foundation I built for myself. H-bomb wasn’t there for any of it. All she promised me was pain and heartache and for awhile there, it seemed like the cycle was going to continue again.

Then I met my girlfriend that completely changed everything for me. She showed me what a healthy friendship and relationship should be, we love being around each other, she makes me a better me. I want to be successful in my endeavors because of her. I now have confidence to face the world and I want to get my slice of it as result. I love it and staying even tangential friends with H-bomb wouldn’t have necessarily ruined things, but it would have been a step backward and I’m glad I didn’t fall into that trap.

There is a part of me that’s sad about how things worked out with H-bomb, though. Mainly that we couldn’t even make it as friends. I tried. I gave her every opportunity to show character and try to actually be a friend, but every time she just spat on me and treated me like shit. I see that now. And I think a lot of the issues with being friends before was more her than me. I’ll admit I didn’t act perfectly and I said some things I shouldn’t have, but she did know how to keep the drama going. My only regret here is that I allowed it to go on as long as I did.

I plead guilty to being enamored with someone who has some serious mental and maturity issues so I guess my behavior can be…excused, somewhat. At least the putting up with it as long as I did, but I’m seeing things as they are/were now. And I hate writing these sort of entries. Okay, I don’t necessarily hate the material it gives me, but I do hate that I have to write them at all since it means I’ve failed. Or at least I think I failed. However, in this case, I don’t think I did. My Dutch friend knows the whole ordeal and she’s been incredibly supportive of my decision. As has my girlfriend and my other friends. So I don’t think I did anything wrong and I think a lot of the stress and fights were mainly on her.

I just could never get a sense of where I stood with her–even now it’s that way and I don’t need that kind of bullshit in my life. I’ve already got a lot of other stuff on my plate to fill a buffet table. So…this is one big, long, sad, pathetic, stupid chapter of my life that’s closing and I’m elated. I feel free. I feel awake. I don’t feel weighed down by her any longer. So I will say this to her if she ever reads this: thanks. You woke me up. You made me see how dysfunctional even trying to be your friend still would be, how little you actually cared, and that I’m a better person without you.

 

 

Advertisements
2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 12, 2016 11:45 pm

    Great Post 👍

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: