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July 19, 2016

Well, after a rough weekend babysitting my girlfriend’s nephews who are pretty awesome generally but were acting kind of…horribly this weekend, I think I’m fried. My anxiety’s also shot up a bit and I’m not proud of that. Yesterday I was combing through my fitbit data and I noticed that on Friday it tracked my heart rate for about 5 minutes (or at least that’s the interval they keep) to 198bpm then it normalized 5 minutes later to 130bpm, and finally to about 85bpm, being the hypochondriac I am and believing the readings thought maybe I had had a mini heart attack or had a heart problem or something.

Thing is I went all weekend on high stress–especially on Sunday and it never even approached that level of beats per minute so I’m going to conclude that it was glitch or error brought on by faulty hardware or because when it happened, I do believe I shot up straight from bed and a sound sleep and walked out into my kitchen for some breakfast. But I hate anxiety because it’s like a goddamn spider web and thoughts just get stuck in there and I cannot have a good time because it’s always in the back of my head, “What if I fall asleep and die? What if I have a heart condition? I don’t wanna die. My life is getting better.”

And it depresses the hell out of me to the point I can’t enjoy anything or any games. I also slept like shit so that just makes the circular thoughts even worse. But yeah, besides being with my girlfriend I did not enjoy this weekend as much as I had hoped because the oldest nephew went Chernobyl on Sunday and I was honestly starting to have a panic attack in her sister’s home. I even felt my legs starting to shake because of it.

It’s not that I don’t like them, I just…don’t do yelling very well. I didn’t handle it well the couple times my mother ever did it and I don’t handle it at all now, either. I always get this sick knot in my stomach that just makes the anxiety worse. Fortunately things did mostly calm down on Sunday night and I did kind of get past my anxiety mostly with a lot of help from my girlfriend. I’m thankful we were together because she’s stressing over some things and I didn’t want to leave her alone with all of that going on. Plus the quiet moments with her were very nice.

Overall I did have a fairly decent weekend all things considered, but definitely one that’s left my nerves frayed. And last night’s heart rate reading from Friday didn’t help at all with today’s current frayed nerves. But as I explained: I walked 3.03mi today, if I had a life threatening heart condition or blockages that would cause a heart attack, they wouldn’t speed my heart up but slow it down. I also had a physical back in March or April and everything was fine then, my lipids were great, my HDL cholesterol was actually normal for once and they didn’t hear anything with my heart that would give them concern.

I seriously doubt that unless I really, really tried that my health would deteriorate that much in a few months. Or at least I would hope so. There’s always going to be that doubt, though, which truly sucks and is pissing all over my parade at present. But I’m sure in a week or sooner I’ll have forgotten all about it. Fortunately I see my therapist on Friday and I actually have something to talk about for once! I haven’t had that in a long, long time. I felt like I was wasting his time for a while there.

Anywhoo…until later.


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