Thankfully Thankful

Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving and we’re supposed to give thanks for the things we’re thankful for and since my family is a little fractured at the moment I thought I’d give thanks here. So…without further ado:

I’m thankful for my family and for my slowly dwindling list of friends who are still around. You all mean a lot to me and I’m grateful you’re around and that, although my parents are now divorced, they’re still nice toward each other and still care about each other. And to my first best friend:
my brother, Paul. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that you’re in my life and that you’ve turned into a fine man. You treat me great despite my anxiety and sometimes the selfishness that results from it.

I’m thankful that I still seem to have my creativity and that I’m beginning to work my creative muscle again. I’ll post some of my writings later as I don’t plan to publish them. And hopefully they’re good.

I’m thankful for not losing my sense of humor about my anxiety and I’ve been able to keep fighting as it’s been a struggle this last year.

I’m thankful for all of you who bothered to follow this web log and still do follow it. I started this web log just to learn to be more vulnerable. Aaand apparently you all liked what you found and I deeply appreciate you all. Thank you.

I know it’s not the hugest list of thanks ever, but they mean a lot to me personally. I hope everyone reading this has a great Thanksgiving.

Humbling Humbling Humbling Bumbling

When people of anxiety they usually picture someone constantly off in the corner crying, sulking, always worrying, or worse: panicking (if you’re like me). But I’m kind of seeing my anxiety like a strength and not a weakness. Don’t mistake me: anxiety is very crippling in a lot of ways. But it also gives me strength I never knew that I had. The strength to want to be a better person, the strength to learn how to let things go, and just not giving a shit about the small stuff…usually.

I think back to the me of my early 20’s where I let emotional connectivity seem like clinginess which killed any chance of a relationship or worrying about if a woman farted in front of me or belched. The old me…kind of a dick. I will chalk a good deal of it up to my own personal cynicism as well. But now, still going through anxiety of my own I can definitely say that it’s been making me a better person in small ways. And I try to be more thoughtful even if I’m not always that way.

As for the gas passing…yeah, I’ve got bigger things to worry about. Sure, it’s unpleasant and I would be shocked if the woman did it on the first meeting, but otherwise…have at it. Some of the funniest moments I’ve had were with someone very special to me breaking wind. Chiefly when she stuck her ass out of my bedroom door thinking, ‘Oh…no way it’ll come back in,’ wrong. It was like those old Pepe Le Pew cartoons where the stench follows you around.

And boy…did it follow her…I had a good laugh about it and even though on the outside it’s probably a really foul experience I really wouldn’t trade it for anything. Because it was really funny and with someone that is still very special to me and I need moments like that to remind me not to sweat the small things..and to never let her hang her ass out of my bedroom door again.

But I’m getting sidetracked here. I don’t think anxiety is quite the weakness that it’s made out to be. It teaches you to appreciate the littler things when you can cut through it and even the small successes can feel like huge victories. So, for anyone going through this: it will change you and it may break who you used to be, but who you become after that is always a better person for having gone through it. I truly believe that after almost 7 years and a lot of heartache in that time. I feel like I’m finally becoming the person I want to be.