Tag: happiness

Bridging The Gap

For a long time–really, longer than I would have thought–it felt like there was two separate identities for me. Or two distinct people. There was me, the man everyone knows as John who’s this quiet, passive, easy going guy. Then there’s FIDo, my online persona, he’s more outgoing, more adventurous, more flirtatious, he knows how to be social. He was sort of a release for me for when the pressures of the day got to me. He never backed down from conflict, either.

I think I’ve finally bridged that gap and am becoming a whole person now. I feel more confident and more outgoing and more like myself. Like the person I want to be. Why yes, the relationship has helped me to bridge this gap and it’s a good thing. I like knowing that I’ve incorporated some of the FIDo stuff into me now and I feel more confident. I feel like standing up for myself some more. I’m always going to have the anxiety, but I can control it so much better now.

There’s just one last hurdle to get over: driving alone. Really…that’s it. I’ve made peace with myself, I can stay home for long, long periods alone, I’m getting better at dealing with unexpected things popping up, and I’m going back to class in the fall. So the driving is it. And I’m getting used to that now, too. The driving thing has been difficult for me because I just can’t seem to shut off my thoughts. If I act on instinct alone I’m usually better at doing it, however, the moment instinct stops and I become self-aware…’ehh…then the anxiety starts. It’s fucking ridiculous.

But I’m doing this. I love driving, too. I loved playing taxi for my friend when I used to do it. I love just being able to go places. To me, driving was never about a utility. For me driving always meant my freedom. It meant I didn’t have to play by someone else’s rules. I could see the world! Or at least my limited section of it. But if I ever say….wanted to take a road trip…I could do it whenever I wanted. That was empowering.

And consequently that’s why this anxiety sucks so, so much. It kept me in a box and a prison of my own making. Well…no more. I’m not having it limit me ever again. I look at job postings and I see ‘Columbia’ written on the location and it just crushes me because that theoretically shouldn’t limit me, but it does because of my current issue. So! Little by little I’m hobbling back to where I want to be and I will succeed. I’ve succeeded every other time. I can succeed this time and more. I mean, I drove to Canada fer cryin’ out loud. I can surely do this.

So, I’m going to work my ass off doing this like I’ve done with everything else and hopefully I’ll become a real boy again. That’s the shitty thing about anxiety for me: I feel like something broke and I’m left sweeping up the pieces of it and thanks to my girlfriend pushing me to succeed just by being there for me…I want to. And I’ve been mostly successful at picking up the pieces and it’s getting better now.

The year long away from H-bomb taught me to not depend on someone for my happiness or to cure my anxiety. I learned I was stronger than I thought and it gave me a big chance to start cleaning up the mess that my life had become. I started thinking about the things that needed to be fixed: school, weight, getting steady work, gaining confidence in myself. All of the hits. And outside of the steady employment–which I’m currently working on as well, I’ve succeeded. I have lost a good chunk of my weight, I’ve become more confident in myself, and I’m learning to control my anxiety.

I actually feel guilty for going to therapy now because I haven’t had anything too disastrous to talk about for a long time now. He asks me how things are going and I say, “Great,” and I almost think, “Time to go.” But there are little issues here or there that do need work. The driving for one. And the weight. I haven’t lost as much weight as I’ve wanted since last summer, but I’m working on it again. So there is some stuff to talk about. Yesterday I just laid out the reasons with him for why I decided to just up and no longer talk to the H and complained about her.

I really can’t complain about anything else but my sagging friendship with someone I thought was so important to my life, but whom I learned I really do not need in my life. I already have enough depressed friends and I have a lot of people that care about me. It still bugs me that I let this go on for as long as I did and I was stubborn about it, too. I think I’ll be facepalming about that until I’m 60 or so. I think 60 will be a good year to stop kicking myself over it, finally. Also consequently it’s bleeding over into this entry.

I would argue, though, that as a big chunk of my life for 9 years that I have reason to still be annoyed with myself over it. But! Today’s a new day. Completely wiped clean from that ugliness and I’m going to thoroughly enjoy it and enjoy my life from now on. For once, I can finally say that I’m happy with where I’m at and what I’m doing.

I Have A Girlfriend Now

I know, the Reel Big Fish song. Har-di-har-har…

Anyway…

Yeah…that sounds weird to say. Not because I don’t like her but I never thought I’d ever be able to say that or ever be able to make someone as happy as they make me. Buuut she’s great. It’s only been a week and a day since we’ve become officially a couple, but I enjoy her and she enjoys me. She makes me push myself to be a better person and working on not being so anxious. We had a great weekend that capped off our one weekaversary. Yeah…I mean…there’s not much to say except more variations on how great she is. She makes me not afraid to be me and the anxiety I have had around her has nothing to do with her at all. Just my usual, “I might be dying,” worries. Which seem to have been alleviated by today’s physical going so well.

I can honestly say I haven’t been this happy ever. I smile a lot more, my days haven’t sucked at all. She…connects me to the world in a way no one has done. I didn’t think that was possible. I didn’t even think that would ever happen to me, but I’m  glad it did. I’m happy we mesh so well and get along great. There’s a part of me at the back of my thoughts always going, “This is new, new relationships are always supposed to feel this way at first, right?” Then I remind myself that if things keep going as well as they are now, I have no trouble thinking they won’t stop. Maybe it’s the overly optimistic side of me. I dunno. I don’t see myself becoming a complacent boyfriend like some do at various points.

I think being alone for so long has given me a greater appreciation of the relationships I do have and I only want to make them become stronger. I know what it’s like to truly feel like you’re alone. The fear. The anxiety. The worry that some day I’ll just reach a point where I’m alone forever and what then? Who knows. Now, though, that’s all being washed away and I want to be me again. To reach into that side of myself I’d lost and hopefully it’ll all work out for me and her. Sorry for ending this happiness on a somewhat melancholic note.

I really am happy right now. Just that there is that side of me worrying that I’m going to fuck it all up somehow and that’s where this bit comes from in the sea of positivity.

 

You Too Can Punch A Spider

I have no idea where that came from. 

I’ve been feeling somewhat content lately which means I actually am closer to happiness than I have been in a long fucking time. My old therapist gave me an article before he left that really changed my perspective on the whole happiness deal; it is not the zaney, gee-willikers feeling most people think it is. It’s contentment. It’s being pleased with yourself and where you’re at in your life at that moment that is ‘happy’. Most get that wrong and then they feel unhappy or discontent because they think, ‘I’m not really feeling excitement anymore,’ but that’s the point! Happiness can be exciting, don’t mistake me, but overall it’s just a feeling of contentment. 

And that’s where I am right now. I still have a long way to go and I’m working toward it, but where I am right now I’m happy. I’m happy with the little bit of socializing that I can do. And the little bit of driving alone that I can do, the class I’m in at school…it’s actually not too bad. I went the whole session yesterday without taking a klonopin. Nine months ago this is the same class I bailed on because my anxiety got to be too much. Now I can actually enjoy my time alone—mostly and I can finally fight for my life again. 

That’s a good feeling and one I’m immensely happy about, plus I’m 35lbs lighter and continuing to fight for that but I’m enjoying the little success I’ve had with it even if the needle’s not moving much. Why? Because I persevere. I meant it before when I said that’s how I’m going to feel about life from now on and I meant it. It’s why I’m not getting discouraged about the weight loss stalling a bit or having little moments of anxiety. I persevere and now I can actually hold my head up and not feel shame for just being me anymore. And that’s a great feeling that I hope I never lose again. 

Ride

Some time before the end of fall I just want to escape for a bit. Nowhere far. Just…drive. With my windows down and enjoy the crisp fall night. I haven’t done that in such a long time and I think this will be the year I bust out and do it. I hope so. I enjoy fall and I enjoy spring. I hate the extreme weather of summer and winter. Which is weird considering I was born in July. I just never enjoyed it and I don’t think I ever will. Fall and Spring suit me, though: nice and moderated. Not really becoming too hot or too cold until late in the season.

But yeah, I enjoy night time driving around here most of all because the roads become really vacant at night, so it makes for an easier drive. Also: fall in Maryland is just so nice. Really. Once October hits, you can really appreciate the subtle differences in the weather and atmosphere. It’s really nice. I’m also going to try dressing up for Halloween this year and having somewhere to go. Oh! And the color is turquoise, bitches! Yeah. I finally went back to my turquoise hair and am really happy with how it turned out. I’ll try to update this more later when I’m not so tired and run down..

Cheers!

Defending Your Life

I want to write this entry before it totally disappears into the aether that is sleep deprivation. Defending Your Life is a 1991 Albert Brooks movie where he plays the character Daniel Miller who dies and the afterlife isn’t all choirs and angels. Actually the afterlife is kinda like here only you have a set amount of time you’re there and you defend your life and the way to ascend or become smarter than the average human is just to conquer your fears and anxieties. If not then you’re sent back to Earth and have to live as another person all over again with no memory of your previous life and eventually conquer your fears. I seem to recall the question being posed within the movie as to what happens to people that never succeed in beating their fears and can never ascend being thrown away or some sort. Maybe that’s my memory haze.

Anyway, I really like this movie and I thought about it last night during one of my more contemplative moments because of the anxiety thing and I realize how much I’ve yet to get over in terms of being afraid. It’s not just adult fears that have plagued me my whole life, but childhood fears as well. Flying? Totally afraid of that. I have no idea where that came from, though. See, most anxieties you can usually put into two categories: you either picked it up from a bad experience and were conditioned that way or it’s a learned behavior you picked up from your parents. The trouble is I’ve never flown nor have my parents ever been afraid of flying, to my knowledge. So where the hell did it come from?

Rollercoasters? Yeah, I’m terrified of them. But I have a good reason for that: my dad tricked me into getting on one when I was young and it sorta scarred me for life. However, even before that I was afraid of them. And again, neither of my parents were ever afraid of them. Where the fuck did that come from in the first place?! Thing is I’ve never been afraid of driving, or at least I wasn’t until I started having panic attacks. Also a little afraid of the dark, which I’ll write about more in-depth in my next entry, but I at least have an excuse on that one: the dark has always been sort of a primal, base level fear for humans since we’ve lived in caves. I get that one.

But back to the movie, in the movie Daniel’s shown 9 days from his life and he had an advocate or a defense attorney played affably sleazy by Rip Torn, because of course he is. For those who don’t know who Rip Torn is, he’s an actor that’s made affably sleazy characters his schtick. And we’ll just forget he was ever in Freddy Got Fingered. His job is to defend Daniel and he does, for the most part by showing a spin to the anxious scenarios like Daniel not jumping on an invest opportunity in Casio which he turned down to invest in cows…that apparently lost their teeth or something, he was never sure.

And the time he was on a snowmobile and had to crawl to safety, that one seemed iffy at first, but the fact that he never got on one after that bad experience made it make more sense, because as I already stated: we do base our anxieties partly on past experience. I’m just struggling to find any past experience that justifies my fears and anxieties. At least in childhood. In adulthood and partly in my teenage years I get those. Fear of talking to women? Check. Fear that I’ll be alone? Check. etc. Those fears are very real and make sense. Rollercoasters and airplanes…not so much.

I was going over this with my therapist on Tuesday and I pretty much came to this conclusion: your brain is stupid. Sure, it’s capable of building wondrous things like the LHC or going to space, but as far as processing real danger as opposed to fake danger? Totally stupid. It doesn’t differentiate between a real threat like a lion or a bear or just asking out the person you fancy. We process it the same way and those of us with a strong sense of fear and things that make you fearful, like me, really have trouble dealing with the fake dangers we put ourselves through every day.

I kept thinking about this movie because it has a lot of relevancy to me these days like wondering how I’d defend myself given how I’ve lived my life. I’d totally be sent back because I still can’t ask someone out until it’s too late and things no longer matter to me. I hate unsure settings and will actively avoid them because of my anxiety. If I don’t at least have an idea of knowing what I’m getting into I just won’t do it. I wasn’t always this averse to it because I used to hang out with my friend and we’d sometimes do spontaneous things where we’d go traveling and such. In fact, one of my best memories is of the day where me, his girlfriend at the time, him, and their friend just went out traveling with no plan in mind.

So I wasn’t completely the, “I hate unknowns,” person writing this entry. But I find myself hating this side of me that just has so much fear of even kind of living a little. I used to describe myself as the walking dead simply because things must be a certain way before taking the plunge. Granted, you could say it’s kept me alive this whole time, but it hasn’t enabled me to enjoy existence. My anxiety comes from the fear of dying suddenly but honestly, I could be okay with dying if I’d accomplished half of what I’ve wanted to accomplish and it’s only the fear of it not working out that’s kept me from doing these things…which causes more anxiety because I haven’t done them yet.

Yeah, I have the fear of success, too. I’m really an amazing person. Truly amazing and stupid. So, I’m going to do my damnedest to sort this particular knot out and get over it. How? You ask? No fucking clue, but trying anything’s better than my current situation where anxiety kind of rules me. I’m getting better, but as you see…it’s not complete. I mean, I know I’m going always have anxiety, you have to. Anxiety keeps you from being stupid, but just once I’d just like to let go of the really stupid anxieties I have that really have no basis in reality.

As for the movie, I totally recommend it. It’s funny, it’s witty, and it’s got a good message: live in fear and you’re not really living or enjoying yourself. And at present, that’s me.

The Man With Many Faces

Who am I?

It’s a very tricky question and one I’ve often wondered myself throughout the years. In short: I don’t know who I am. Some days I feel like this hurricane just waiting to unleash my fury on the world and others I’m the gentle breeze on a calm day. I hate that I have such varying moods and I’m sure they have little differences here or there, but lately I’ve been seriously questioning who I am since the whole damn Glornax-7 fight. Am I an asshole? Am I really that intolerable to people?

I’m confused about this because I don’t mean to be seen in a negative light, but I do know I give in to my negative emotions very easily. All the doubt and anger and fury is just becoming too easy to break free and…that really scares me. I’d attribute my age and intolerance to bullshit to be an excuse, but I hurt people I care about. I hurt Glornax-7 and she’s someone I absolutely love.

Am I that awful?

Yes, when strong emotions are continually not acknowledged and sometimes outright rejected…yeah, it hurts a lot. And from that hurt I just want to make them hurt, because it honestly makes me feel like shit and like I shouldn’t even be feeling this way about someone. Maybe I am an asshole. I don’t know. I’d like to think I’m above my baser urges to hurt someone like they’ve hurt me, but my history shows I’m not. I always thought I was the better person. The one who let shit rain down on them and didn’t join the fray.

Guess not, but I’m also not the most objective person in judging and I judge myself horribly. It’s probably why I’m the way I am now. I let my emotions tend to rule me and as a result I’m either too overbearingly kind or too overbearingly awful, depending on the day. Fuck my moods. I want to change my less than stellar qualities but I’m not sure how.

I have this thick, armor plated layer of calm, but hit the right area and watch out, I will turn in an instant if I feel I’m being wronged. Unfortunately, Glornax-7 seems to know which areas to hit—even unintentionally. I’m trying to be more generous with her and with the rest of my friends, but I know one thing for certain: I am definitely not a happy person at this point in my life and I fear that won’t change.

Yay…downer ending. I art am artistic.

I Don’t Like Giving Up Control

The title is what I tell people when they wonder why I don’t drink to get drunk or smoke weed or anything. And it’s true enough. I feel like doing that would be giving up control, however, I had an answer to it today and oddly it was inspired after last night: I’d already given up control. True, this isn’t earth-shattering or surprising or…whatever. None of these thoughts ever are and it quite surprised me how receptive people are to this web log. Soo…thanks! But back on topic: I’ve given up control in my own way with the constant messiness of my room with the laziness of just not doing anything when I clearly can.

I also slept like shit last night so if anyone’s wondering why these thoughts are kinda jumbled…there ya go. Anyway, I realized that with the lack of respect I was showing myself by being inactive that I was effectively giving up control–the very thing I always said I was afraid to give up whether it’s with drinking, riding a rollercoaster, flying in a plane, etc. All that time I was telling myself, “I don’t want to give up control,” it started sounding like bullshit every time I made that excuse. At first it was true when I didn’t want to get drunk. Then my first time smoking weed (which I was cajoled into doing anyway). After repetition it all just sounded like a lie to keep from doing anything and it was.

I’ve had two therapists in my life with dealing with my anxiety and they were both awesome and got me where I am now and their advice has stuck with me but I forgot the advice of my first one: “Excuses work because they’re true,” he used to tell me. That phrase was drilled into my mind, but I lost that lesson. I kept making excuses–and still do, mostly and they work for me because they’re all true. I think there needs to be an addition to that phrase, though. “Excuses work because they’re true, but they won’t make you happy,” I sit here and type this and I do feel contentment about things but I wouldn’t say I’m happy.

Happiness to me is doing things and being productive and it took me a long time to come to that conclusion. Despite sleeping like shit I’ve managed to cook my own breakfast, clean up my mess, wash my dishes, exercise, critique my friend’s podcast, and now I’m doing laundry. The fact that that’s actually making me feel…’happy’ is a good sign. I know what I like. I like being active and I feel like I’m making progress toward…something. Being a human, I guess. Or finding my happy ending. Yeah, there will be times here where I lament things, but for once I found I’m happier doing stuff (even if it’s rather menial and obvious stuff) than I am being lazy and unproductive.

You’ve read it here first folks: acting like an adult actually makes a person happy. And for my next trick I will regale you with the amazing discovery that water is wet and that the Earth is tilted.

Seriously, beyond my discounting this piece of knowledge as very trivial I think it comes down to respect: Do you respect yourself enough to make an effort? I really have trouble respecting who I am and what I feel I’m worth as a person, but I’m learning to respect myself and it starts today by not being a lazy shithead.

I Have To Admit, I’m Not Happy

I try to put on this face of cheer and I try to mask my feelings, but in the end it always bubbles to the surface in the form of a panic attack: I’m not happy. And I don’t mean in the super-excited way, just that I’m not content with anything anymore. The more I try to deny it the worse I feel. I feel like something is eating away at me physically and emotionally and I don’t know what it is; I try to hold on real tight to myself in hopes that if I just ignore it it’ll go away and I can live in peace because that’s what I crave.

I live in Shitville, PA with no friends and nothing to do beyond watch tv, play video games, and…just flit my life away. And I’d change it if I could, but see I need structure and right now things aren’t very structured. No, see things are very much adrift and floating. I fill in one piece and something else happens. So I fill in that piece and there’s another leak. The kicker for me is hat thanks to all of these issues piling up I can’t drive very far, yes, me, the man that drove to Canada to see a friend cannot drive.

So not only am I bored to tears night after night I cannot even escape that which is oppressing me. You know, if I knew that two years ago this would’ve been a bad idea moving here I’d have said ‘hell no,’ but I didn’t and now I’m stuck in a rut with no means to escape said rut. I’d elaborate more, but the whole ordeal is so sad and pathetic I can’t verbalize it. So, enjoy the vague entry. I’m sure it’ll be a real head-scratcher.